Thanksgiving For The Caregiver
November 23, 2007 5:18 am Holiday, Home Health Care IssuesWarning: implode() [function.implode]: Invalid arguments passed in /home/terri1/public_html/healthcareblog/wp-content/plugins/obsocialbookmarker/obsocialbookmarker.php on line 432
I’m a Family Caregiver. And after a loving and fun Thanksgiving day with family, I returned home this evening to reflect on thanksgiving for - and thanksgiving by - the Family Caregiver. She or he is the one taking care of anything and everything, at any hour, yet frequently taken for granted or fussed at. So here are some thankful thoughts I want to share with you.
From my personal experience… Caregiver, Manager, Gal Friday…
You see, my proud father (retired judge) suffered multiple heart attacks, which led to congestive heart failure and near renal failure as he wasted away with each hospital visit and ultimately needed in home health care 24/7. This was made worse by the grief associated with separation from his beloved wife of over 60 years, when Mama’s dementia reached advanced stages, making it impossible to care for her adequately at home any longer.
I was by Daddy’s side and with him through all of this, as primary caregiver and coordinator of support caregivers (including my sister - but she was mostly tied up with other caregiver duties in another town) - first with Mama, then continuing with Daddy, from one stage to the next until he died.
I wasn’t just a home health caregiver and coordinator, with all the clean-up, dressing, bathing, and home health care. But I was also his Chief Palace Cook (special diets), Laundromat, Chauffeur, Purchasing Agent, Butler, Household Manger, Grounds Manager, Bookkeeper, Procurement Agent for presents, Christmas newsletter writer, emergency room all-night companion… You name it… All while trying to support myself and my home in another town on my couple of “days off.” I even corrected legal documents, did court filings, worked with an institutional investment firm, and helped with myriad tasks related to his estate planning. (Don’t wait until you’re almost 90 to do that, as he did!)
And what kind of thanks did I receive?
In his pain and frustration, he was mostly curt and demanding. At first he voiced in front of the visiting home health nurse (disrespectfully) that I should be able to do something the way she did - when it’s her full time job and training, and this was my first round. Yet I came from the corporate world, like most of the men he knew!
I took on a lot for him, voluntarily because I loved him and he needed me. But the thanks I got were mostly complaints and demands. He even fussed at me because of the way my hair looked one damp day - when caring for him meant I could not leave even long enough to get my hair cut for months on end!
You see, none of this is uncommon. Just about every family caregiver with whom I speak has a similar story. Many speak of getting yelled at or yelled for constantly. Many speak of ridiculous demands, being called in the middle of the night for something unnecessary. Or being in the midst of organizing myriad new prescriptions and starting dinner, only to be interrupted to locate the TV controls he had a minute ago (and is now sitting on).
So we caregivers get our rewards instinsically… knowing we did the best we could to help and to brighten those last days… knowing our loved one doesn’t really mean it. We keep our perspective, and lift our heads higher to maintain our own dignity, as we patiently and lovingly smile and keep on keeping on.
Strength to keep on… That’s sometimes a challenge for the family caregiver. As for me personally - I am thankful that I know a loving God who came to serve and to save, who strengthens and comforts me, holds me up when I know I would collapse otherwise, who is pleased when I show His love by serving others, and who blesses me with the gift of special moments.
Because even in these hard times, we caregivers have many blessed moments for which to be thankful. As Daddy was dying, his next to last words to me were: “I’m so sorry to be putting you through this.” To which I replied sincerely, “Daddy, it’s an honor and a privilege to be able to be here with you.” Yes, I am thankful that I could divert these years for him, and be there to encourage and comfort and love him during his last time here.
And there were, with each Mama and Daddy, special one-on-one times of bonding … times I never would have had were I not there around the clock, day in and day out, for long periods of time. Special, spontaneous moments of sharing when we told each other hidden secrets, funny anecdotes, moving stories… shared our lives as we never would have been able to do under other circumstances. I am very, very thankful for that.
You must have your own stories and special moments for which you are thankful. We would love to hear them.
But the loved one is really thankful for you, the Caregiver, too - even though it might not be shown or spoken to you. Just know it!
I am thankful for my dear sister-in-law, a medical doctor who was wonderful to Mama and Daddy and loved and respected by each. And I was so moved by what she told me after Daddy died:
“I don’t know if he ever told you how much he appreciated you. But he told me, ‘Maggie does so much for me. I don’t know what I would do without her!’”
So Daddy was thankful after all. I am thankful for that.
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November 23rd, 2007 at 2:29 pm
You are right. As caregiver for your loved one, you do not get much thanks. But there are so many dear moments. Those are what you need to hold on to.
When Grandmother barked at me, I reminded myself that she was in pain, and was angry because she could no longer do much for herself.
There are so many cruel and uncalled for moments, that you MUST hold onto those special ones. Be thankful for them. Otherwise, you won’t be able to continue.
Remember that your loved one is no longer rational or comprehending basic things at this time. Your loved one doesn’t want to take instructions from a caregiver, yet doesn’t understand that the instructions are what they would have done themselves when mentally competent.
Take my grandmother for example. She would sometimes say: “You’re not my granddaughter. My granddaughter wouldn’t tell me what to do!”
As the professional caregivers consistently advise, you must make your loved one do things for himself or herself as long as possible. But don’t be surprised when they get angry at your simple request that they do so.
Such as my grandmother. As I kept her water glass full, I asked her to pick it up during the day. She was able to do that for herself - But boy did it make her mad!